A True “Yes” Requires the Freedom to Say “No”

Oct 1

It seems that many people are experiencing angst and self-doubt around their boundaries. Old habits are resurfacing about how we show up in the world.

Maybe it’s connected to last week's solstice or full moon. Maybe it’s related to the powerful cosmic energies of Pluto and Uranus, stirring a vibration of revolution and change. Or maybe it’s simply human nature.

Whatever the reason, I’m noticing the patterns. As a collective, we are revisiting our agreements.

Questioning our dedication to volunteer work because it has simply become too much
Feeling used for childcare, even though we genuinely love spending time with the grandchildren
Slipping back into old patterns of working too many hours and feeling depleted
Reaching our limit when it comes to holding space for the drama experienced by others

In all of these situations, we are grappling with the decisions we've made over the years and whether they still serve us.

Often there is a part of these agreements that deeply resonates with us. We want to help. We want to listen. We want to be supportive. We want to accomplish. We love spending time with the grandchildren. We feel energized by being there for others and bringing new creations into the world.

And yet, somewhere along the way, our generosity and determination begins to cost us more than we have to give. It takes a toll on the other aspects of our lives.

The question becomes:

How do we discern when to say yes, and when to disengage?

A clear answer came through for me recently. When we are asked to go above and beyond, take a moment to pause and feel into the body.

We often consider how it feels when we say Yes. Can I handle the discomfort of giving myself away again?

But today, we are asked to imagine saying No.

Do you feel relief? Do you feel more spacious? Does your body soften?

Does the thought of saying No create a tightness in your chest; a clenching in your stomach; a gripping in the throat? Does your mind start racing to all of the reasons you are unable to say No to the request? Is it difficult to imagine a scenario in which you could voice your descending opinion?

If you don’t have the freedom to say No, there is no real freedom to say Yes. Your Yes is not a true a choice. Your Yes is not in alignment with you.

A true yes requires the ability to choose.

This doesn’t mean that every uncomfortable feeling asks you to disengage. Sometimes we feel uncomfortable because something is stretching us, challenging us, or asking us to grow.

But there is a difference between the discomfort of growth and the feeling of abandoning yourself.

Your body can be a powerful guide in learning that difference.

If you find yourself repeatedly saying Yes when it is too uncomfortable to consider saying No, it may be time to look more closely at your boundaries and coping mechanisms.

Ask for support from someone who can offer a fresh perspective. Work with a therapist who can help you explore the patterns that make saying No difficult. Receive energy work to help you reconnect with your inner alignment. Ask someone you trust to help you find the words to communicate a boundary clearly and lovingly.

Boundaries aren’t about caring less.

They’re about creating enough space to care without abandoning yourself in the process.

And sometimes, the most loving thing you can say—to yourself and to someone else—is simply: No.

So that when you do say Yes, it means something.