Anger in the Home

As the seasons change and we enter spring, it feels like the ideal time to talk about my story, which is strongly associated with the Wood element.

People frequently ask how I got into energy healing. I either talk about the incredible healings I saw in my kids, or share a shortened version of this story. 

The most profound shifts I experienced from energy medicine were the quieting of my internal angst and the birth of my empowerment. Emotions are complicated and multi-faceted; in the belief that this story is relatable, I attempt to put it into words.

As a child, I was ultra-aware of other people’s emotions. I could read the room, and feel when to engage and when to fade into the shadows. I was good at walking on eggshells, falling under the radar, or performing according to expectations. I didn’t experience anger; life could be managed by contorting myself to fit the space.

This led to high standards and rigorous expectations for myself. I needed to achieve, keep everyone happy, try harder, and do more. It was my survival mechanism.

I did not project these expectations onto others. Other people’s journeys were their own; if they fell short, they must have a good reason. I had endless gentleness and compassion for others, but was hard on myself.

The anger and rage started when I had children; exactly when I wanted to be a loving mother, my internal monster was given a voice.

I wanted to be the perfect mother by staying at home with the kids and caring for their every need. I also negotiated to keep my corporate job, working from home part-time while the kids napped, played outside, or slept at night. This was a high bar, with intense expectations of myself. With a baby, this arrangement worked. I wasn’t taking care of myself or giving myself any time to simply Be, but I could juggle in a way that looked ideal to the outside world.

It is my nature to give 100% of my attention to the people around me. You receive this engaged care during sessions. In my marriage, I would give 100% of my attention to my husband (not because he requested it, but because that is my inclination). When our first child was born, I shifted that 100% attention to our son. My husband got what was left over when our son was sleeping and I wasn’t working. Although I was becoming depleted, I could manage it.

The difficulty came when our second child was born. Overnight, I could no longer give 100% to both children at the same time. One needed to be put down for a nap while the other demanded attention. One needed a diaper change while the other had a messy potty-training accident. One was sleeping while the other wanted to go to the park. All of this while juggling the expectations of work: taking phone calls and participating in meetings while attending to my children’s needs.  I will never forget the frequent absurdity of cleaning poop out of underwear while on a conference call.   I was overwhelmed trying to be everything to everyone at the same time. I was tightly wound, reacting to circumstances, and judging myself every step of the way.

“I should try harder. I should plan ahead. I should be more clear. I should be consistent.” Should, should, should. There was so much pressure on myself and I was not gentle at all.

“My kids should be quieter. They should be patient. They should do what I ask.” There was so much pressure on my little ones.

Out in public, these beautiful children were an extension of myself in the world. Their behavior reflected on me. I expected them to walk on eggshells and read the room, as I always had. They should listen, act appropriately, be considerate of others, and control their bodies. These felt like basic expectations of children, but mine were highly-sensitive and had difficulty managing themselves in their environments. It was the first time in my life that I tried to control someone else to my standards…and it wasn’t working.

On the one hand, I was a wonderful mother: doting, compassionate, patient, caring for their every need, noticing nuance in their behavior. But when these extensions of myself pushed the limits, my rage would come out. When I was overwhelmed and unable to juggle all of the expectations of myself, I would explode into yelling.

I was exploding many times a day. This was not a healthy form of anger; it created a toxic home environment. My poor children witnessed and absorbed those explosions. They experienced fear and insecurity because their primary caregiver was unstable. I was self-aware enough to apologize to the children within minutes of spewing my temper, but it was still confusing and destructive for them. These explosions reflected my feelings of being overwhelmed, stuck in my expectations, frustrated, disempowered, not knowing what to do, and in a state of despair.

By this time, I had three kids and had started to see a homeopath to curtail my emotional outbursts. She prescribed a homeopathic remedy, and my next temper tantrum was one that I will never forget.

My oldest refused to sit in timeout. Maybe he had tripped his little brother. Maybe he was throwing cars in a dangerous way. I was making dinner, managing 3 kids, and he wouldn’t stay in timeout. I got in his face, yelling in an angry, mean, scary way that he better stay in time out “or else”. He looked at me with such fear in his eyes.

At that moment, I had a sudden awareness that he would be better off in the care of someone less attached because my anger was so damaging. Although I was “putting him first” by being a stay-at-home mom, it became clear that he would be more supported in a daycare setting than with my temper.

That realization was so profound that I quit my job the next day. The homeopathic remedy had brought me from a state of anger into an empowered state. I was suddenly able to see the options before me: continue exploding and doing damage to the kids, delegate caregiving responsibilities to someone more stable, or remove the stressor of work. I had choices. I was not stuck. I could see the future that I wanted to create.

Quitting my job tempered my emotions immediately. Overnight, my 4 year old was in timeout less frequently! I had more patience for him. I was able to juggle life and the three kids more easily. HE was not behaving any differently. Reducing MY overwhelm translated to a more relaxed home. Maybe his behavior was not the issue to resolve; it was MY behavior that needed to change.

The rage and anger were lighter after that, but I continued defining myself according to external criteria. A high-strung mother is still terribly stressful for children. I continued to seek balance in my emotions.

5 years later, I received my first Clinical Qigong session. The practitioner returned my energy-body to a harmonious vibration. I left the session feeling an instant shift. The anger and despair dissipated in a deep and lasting way. I no longer was triggered by the exact same behaviors. I no longer felt overwhelmed. I no longer raised my voice. My children had not changed their behaviors, but I stopped reacting. This was not an intellectual shift; energetically I was able to show up differently.

Specifically, the Qigong healing removed vibrations that didn’t belong to me, which we call “Foreign Energy”. These lower vibrations seep into the body and energetic field when we feel small. If we are in a state of shock or fear or discomfort, we stop occupying our space, and these vibrations take up residence. I was living with many lower vibrations, causing confusion in my energy body.

The session released this chaotic feeling, strengthened my boundaries, and I was able to align with my own vibration once again. Removing these foreign energies brought me back to my naturally peaceful state. There was an immediate shift in how I showed up at home. I was a more relaxed mother, able to enjoy my kids and see them as perfectly imperfect humans.

The change was profound for me and noticeable for the kids as well. They were able to express themselves without fearing my reaction. They were less triggered by me.

Today, if I raise my voice, the kids tell me that I must have foreign energy. And they tend to be right! Anger and Overwhelm are my signals that my energy is ‘off’. When I feel these big emotions, I know to schedule a clearing right away.

This experience influenced me to study Qigong. After witnessing such a powerful healing in myself, I wanted to learn and understand more.

I’m not proud of my behavior, and I am still trying to make it up to the kids. The transformation was a potent and lasting blessing. We’ve been able to repair our relationships to a place of open conversation and trust.

This humbling journey brings me compassion for others who struggle. Is it possible that a simple energy balancing can improve their experiences of life too?

For each person, Qigong balances the emotional expression in a unique way. For me, it was the calming of anger and building of personal power. For others, the emotional rebalancing may be related to anxiety, depression, fear, worry, perfectionism, overwhelm, grief, and more.

It is important to know that you are not alone and there are options. In addition to addressing these emotions intellectually, it is critical to support the energy body in returning to vibrational harmony. There is help out there to bring each of us back into a state of Peace.

Please reach out if I can help on your journey.