Freedom from the Past

In sessions, you hear me talk about letting go of the past.

“Let go of the story, the labels, the judgments, the grief and sadness, the regrets and resentments, even your accomplishments. 

You are not the same person you were 20 years ago and you are not the same person you were yesterday.

The past does not have to define how you FEEL or ACT in this moment.“

It’s easy to say these words. It’s more difficult to live truly independent of our past. Part of being human is learning from experiences. We make logical choices based on what has happened in our lives. How do we let go of the past?

I feel compelled to share a story about an experience that invited me to show up differently in the present moment.

Recently I awoke at 3am, contemplating my marriage. 

Whenever we are close to someone, a friend, partner, or relative, our identities become interwoven with big emotions; Emotions about what we said or did; Emotions about how we were treated; Feelings of rejection and abandonment and loneliness. Even in a good marriage, there are times we feel separate and alone.

Laying in bed with my thoughts, I felt rejected. Rather than returning to sleep, I chose to recount in my head all of the data I’ve tracked over the years. I replayed a series of incidents that occurred 20+ years ago that guided my behavior and installed an emotional narrative: ‘I am rejected. I am not loved. I am not understood. I am not getting what I need. I have no choice but to shut down and disengage to protect myself from further rejection.”

I can remember the exact situations and actions of both parties that led me to shut down.

At 3am, I started an imaginary conversation with my spouse.  

His imaginary response was simply: “I don’t remember that”.

So I walked him through our history in painstaking detail. “You did this. I said that. Then you responded in this way, and I decided to stop trying.” 

I laid it out logically with cause and effect, convinced that he would understand and change his behavior going forward.

And yet, in this imaginary conversation, he looked stunned, as if he were hearing it all for the very first time.

In that moment, I realized that we did NOT have a shared experience.

We were in the same location at the same time, interacting with each other in that moment, having completely different experiences.

He was not intending to reject me. It wasn’t about me at all. He was in his own head, having his own experience. His actions did not mean that I was unloved. The personal affront, repeated many times over the years, was not actually personal. The story, which was an absolute fact for me, did not exist for him.

But, if this was not a shared experience; if this was the first time he’d heard the story; if this was not personal, then what was the point of the story? It is just a story. It has no power. Sharing the past does not have the desired effect of teaching him or changing the current outcome. Detailing the past can only hurt him, make him less open, make him more afraid of my emotions, make him feel bad about himself for things he didn’t do intentionally.

I came to realize that the story had no power over him. It didn’t exist. He was unencumbered and fancy free. And I could choose to stop letting the story have power over me as well.

All of this, at 3am, in my head. A full therapy session!

What does this mean? How do we move forward without the past defining us in this Now?

Simply, we are invited to live in the present moment, feeling our feelings right now, without making assumptions. If I feel rejected right now, I don’t have to amplify that feeling with past experiences. I can simply state how I feel in the moment.

I can validate my younger self and her feelings, while realizing that I am not the same person I used to be. My partner is not the same person he used to be. There are other explanations, considerations, and perceptions at play.

We are invited to allow our memories of the past to blur a little. We are invited to watch the details dissolve. We find that there is more space in our brains to be in the present moment.

What a relief if we don’t need to organize the past in our heads.  The file folders are overflowing!  

How freeing when we don't have to justify how or why it happened.

Instead, we can be more present with joy, sadness, or disappointment. Our feelings become so clear that we can process them as they happen. We are able to act by changing our own behavior, speaking up, or letting it float away.

I am not telling you to stuff it or pretend that things didn’t happen. This is simply an invitation to act on what is happening right now, rather than acting on the immenseness of all that was.

Feeling rejected? Say it out loud. Call it out. Create an opportunity to resolve these feelings in the moment. Connect with the other person to create a shared experience.

Feeling unseen? Ask for what you need. Engage with a request to be seen, rather than the weight of years of built up hostility.

If it is not safe to state your needs in a relationship, that awareness speaks volumes about what is best for you. Take action to remove unsafe relationships from your life.

Letting go of the past is a way to open the pressure-release valve. The stories, memories, and unprocessed feelings build up tremendous pressure inside. When that valve is open, the past loses its power.  It’s easier to process one day of feelings rather than a lifetime of feelings.

What a gift this realization has been for me!

Letting go of the story makes me feel so much lighter! I haven’t been rejected for 2 decades. I just feel it in the moment, but can acknowledge those feelings and deal with them right now.  My mind doesn’t have to race or validate the scenario. I don’t have to juggle decades of stories to organize my response. Life is easier. Healing moves faster. My mind is quieter. It just is.

I have an easier time being happy. I can laugh more easily. I can be compassionate and a loving partner in a lighter way. 

Life is lighter. 

The present moment is all that we have. Consider letting go of old wounds. They are only hurting you. Be in a state of health in the present moment.